I guess half the fun of doing this collab is playing with the show’s title.
Theme this time: “Criticise everything Subaru says and does” (episodic, see themes and other takes on this episode here)
It was a tough choice between praising the Prez and dissing Subaru, but diss tracks are all the rage right now, right?
I’ll try to be exact for this one…as in, list the timestamps and everything, because when Yomu says “everything”, I’m the nutcase who will do everything. If it’s not specified who I’m referring to, it’s Subaru.
- (0:18) “Collette-san, you’re in the way.” – Collette’s just trying to keep occupied while you paint your waifus…
- (0:54) “Sorry. It’s just that I never draw exactly what I see.” – Subaru! Don’t laugh at Mizuki! She’s trying her best to do something productive!…Well, in more relevant words, you shouldn’t purely stick to drawing from the imagination or from real life – you should have a variety of experiences to know where your strengths and weaknesses lie when it comes to art.
- (2:52 – 3:21) “To the art supply store…If there’s anything you want, I’ll buy it…You don’t have to worry…Then, how about you, Collette-san?” – Whenever you’re involved, Subaru, there’s nothing but trouble…especially when you’re with Mizuki. Besides, take the hints Collette’s been leaving you, you dense doofus!
- (4:15) “Aw, man.” – Subaru wasn’t even paying attention to the hea-(hey, wait. That’s Collette’s version of Subaru…should I criticise that?) By the way, as much as Yomu calls himself a prognosticator, I think by doing that theme with the head a few episodes ago, I’ve probably prognosticated more than he has…!
- (5:40 – 6:02) “Whew, that took a while…I know…We’re back…Sensei. W-Why?!…Okay!” – Subaru! Don’t forget to check for Tachibana-sensei’s pulse, you dimwit!
- (6:04 – 6:27) “Um…um…what am I supposed to do in this situation? Oh, right! I read once in a manga…I think it was in this manga…Wait, this is no time to be reading! I’m sure there was a similar situation in this book…” – The pulse, you nitwit! (Plus, why is there a clear parody of New Game! on the shelf there near Subaru’s hand???)
- (6:27 – 6:38) “[quotes manga]” – Don’t take your advice from a manga! Just deal with Sensei!
- (10:20 – 10:23) “I can’t! Not with a 3D! I know there’s a human life at stake, but…” – B-But Subaru, you can’t kiss a 2D girl, not even via dakimakura cover, device screen or figurine…In the case of device screens, it would probably be enough for Kanako Watanabe from Star Driver to sue you for the “kissing through the glass” concept…and you don’t want her suing you…
- (10:25 – 10:33) “Thank goodness! You’re awake…Usami-san! Good timing. Look, Tachibana-sensei’s awake now.” – Er, Mizuki has eyes. She can see that, y’know…
- (11:34) “My waifu’s going to have different attributes now.” – Wait, you used that head as a model??? (I honestly thought you were using Collette as a model!) How does your imagination work, Subaru???
- (11:48) “What the heck?!” – A+ for effort, Subaru. At least, that was the intention…(Subaru’s face looks like a bad parody of the Apple logo. F minus for a second potential copyright infringement!)
Doves, Mermaids and Pool Cleaning
- (13:27) “President, I bought a magic circle.” – Wait, what??? How do you buy that? Two protractors? A compass?
- (13:33) “What are you even going to use [a magic circle] for?” – For a seance, I guess…
- (14:07) “I don’t know.” – You do know. Or rather, you will know…very soon.
- (14:34) “You were talking normally a second ago.” – Hey, Subaru. Don’t break the immersion of the magic trick.
- (14:54 – 15:03) (initially in relation to the upcoming deadline) “Is it?…Why’d you have to say it like that?…You were totally making fun of me.” – You really can’t read Mizuki’s atmosphere, can you, Subaru? She’s a tsundere. Tsundere 101: i-it’s not like they’ll ever do anything for you for free or without denial/mad blushing…baka.
- (15:17) “What is [Collette] saying?” – She’s saying “Get together already, Mizuki and Subaru, you dense-at-love nitwits!”
- (15:35 – 15:37) “Why? Why does the Art Club have to clean up the pool?!” – C’mon. Pool cleaning is an anime staple, no matter how random…just like watermelon smashing, onsen episodes and beach episodes.
Admittedly, you were taking advice from a manga 9 minutes ago, so I thought you’d be happy about this.
- (15:54) “I thought Koyama-sensei had bad luck with lots like those…” – We, the audience, have zero precedent to believe you with, Subaru – we’ve never seen the teachers/advisors drawing lots until now – so…I don’t believe you. Court adjourned.
- (16:12) “But you’re pale too, Usami-san.” – Come now, Subaru. Don’t call Mizuki pale…or else she’ll get into one of those solarium things for your sake and get a melanoma. Basically, you don’t want her to get skin cancer because of you…right?
- (16:21) “Why are you asking me?” – Because you’re within her sight
and she’s in love with you.
- (16:31 – 16:47) “*dodges water from Collette’s hose* Hey, don’t run! It’s dangerou-I could’ve told you that would happen.” – Shouldn’t you be cleaning the pool, not each other? Plus, you should’ve spoken up earlier, Subaru.
- (17:04 – 17:10) (to Club Prez) “Warm-up exercises, I guess. Where have you been?…Where’s Sensei?” – Honestly, Subaru, why is everything I type from your mouth so weird out of context?
- (17:30 – 17:58) (re: paint) “Washes off?…If we get in trouble, we’ll just apologise!” – Apologies won’t cut it, Art Club.
- (18:24 – 18:28) “*gets painted on by Collette*” – You should’ve seen that coming, Subaru, even if that means you need your own Collette-sense. You know what Collette’s like…
- (18:45 – 19:51) “*paints with what’s revealed to be water-resistant paint at 19:59* It was hard to figure out the proportions [of the mermaid] since it’s so big.” – Dude, make sure to read the paint label…and please – nobody take that last sentence out of context…it would embarrass me to no end.
- (20:24 – end) “*feels sad, then guilty, then confused by the dove!Club Prez*” You had this coming, Subaru – you should’ve checked those paint labels before you vandalised the pool!
Sidebar: You can see the dove helmet and the stone head’s makeover on the cube in the ED…although the latter has a moustache which I don’t remember it having.
I think quite a bit of that post turned out to just be me snarking in some manner, but…maybe my exactitude in documenting Subaru’s words taught you something? How would you criticise Subaru for his actions in this episode?