The Pain of Your Lie in April

Once I finished banging out a post for Your Lie in April in January, I knew I had to get it out first thing in the actual month of April…

Alternate opening line: “There’s something painful about reading Your Lie in April for this former pianist…”

A shell of a person, who could have been a genius. They swore they left the piano behind for good, only to have all those repressed emotions come flooding back.

Is this Kousei performing with Kaori for the first time, playing Introduction and Rondo Capriccioso, or is this me reading the manga of Your Lie in April? Or maybe it’s me, admitting these feelings in Arthifis’s comment section on his post Yuri on Ice from a Performer’s Perspective?

Now, my own story is nothing as deep as Kousei’s – I gave up piano to focus on my studies, I don’t think I’ve witnessed anyone’s passing in my life – but just reading about Kousei freezing up during a performance makes me wonder what could have been if I were still a pianist.

Having gone down my dream route of IT/humanities and then cutting it off because half of it – the IT part, the part that opened up a more profitable future – was breaking me apart mentally last year…it makes me wonder if all my previous effort in different subjects was worth it.

Back in the day – about 6 years ago – I had to argue with my parents to get out of piano and Chinese classes, even though I’d dealt with both for nine years before that. I only continued playing piano for another half year because I still had some electives to fill in, the year after I quit having piano classes every Friday.

I still have some certificates associated with some of the regional grades and I’m sure there are still some CDs lying around somewhere of piano performances to emulate. There’s still a piano, behind a door about 10 – 15 steps away, waiting for me as I type this…but it’s been years since I touched it and months since anyone’s touched it. Some books sit on top of it, waiting to be used. They were pretty pricey – they’re worth about 2 manga volumes each (assuming currency has the same value over time).

To be honest, I don’t really like remembering my past and just cleaning old sheets/artwork out from filing cupboards and chucking them away on a regular basis causes me to bawl like a baby. This is why I don’t want to go back to playing piano – because I’d rather focus on what I am now, as a coping mechanism for not crying my eyes out at what could have been.

So seeing Kousei fail and get up again makes me think: Thank goodness I left that door closed.

Because unlike him, the piano was not everything about me. I’m a constant reinventor who intends to surprise at every turn, throwing away the orthodox for the less-valued. I’m not the type to mope about, like he does.

Your Lie in April may be about grief and love – themes I don’t have any familiarity with – but it’s also about hope.

So even if the piano behind that door represents what could have been, I’ll stay here at the black dining room table where I tend to sit for most of my daily activities, banging at my laptop keys to create a new symphony with words.

Because that’s why you’re here.


I think I’ve been teasing a piece about Your Lie in April ever since 2017, but I didn’t think I’d have it written in the early days of January 2019 (when I was reading volume 2 of the Your Lie in April manga) for sure. I thought it would be finished once I started watching the anime…which I haven’t started and don’t think I will start for a while. It’s famed as an emotional rollercoaster for a reason, after all.

So, has there ever been an anime that’s touched you as deeply as Your Lie in April did to me? Which one/s and why?

 

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6 thoughts on “The Pain of Your Lie in April

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  1. Thank you so much for adding a reference to my little post 🙂

    Also, thanks for sharing your story! 🙂 I actually also stopped playing music when I got out of college… It was liberating since it came to a time that I was doing it because I had to instead of actually wanting.

    3 years have passed and I still have not come back to playing the flute. Like you, I still have that mindset that it’s there, waiting, and if one day I decide to do it, I’ll do it. But, like you, I don’t really think it’s going to be in the near future. New things have come to my life, especially blog writing, and I just don’t have the time to do it… I mean, I have the time, but I prefer to do other things haha

    Great post!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is beautiful.
    The feeling you get when you close the door on something can be scary. I remember when I tried to close the door on writing and I couldn’t. But I ended up closing the door on Theatre which actually gave me a small sense of relief. It is still something I love but my future path changed when I turned down a theatre position knowing that it would cut into my writing time.

    Also I’m a person who believes that it is never too late to start something new or return but in the end the mind is a funny thing and it knows (sometimes it doens’t tell us) what will make it happy. We just get to sometimes wander around until we find it.

    One anime that really hit me was March Comes in like a Lion. I watched it while dealing with my own depression and the visual representation of the depression made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

    Thank you for sharing this with us.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I never learned to read music, but I learned how to play piano by watching my brother who was quite a prodigy. He never pursued a career in it, he was very passionate for the piano. That instrument is kind of like the instrument of my soul because of the connection and sentimental association it has for me and my brother. It was the first thing I learned how to play and he taught me how to play by ear since I wasn’t great at reading music. I can still vividly remember the way he played and the days out of the year where I would awake to him playing (he played specific songs on days that were special to him in one way or another). When he passed away, I found that I couldn’t play anymore. Just looking at a piano would remind me of him so much and I would be filled with rage and sadness. I haven’t been able to play once since he passed away in 2010. I’ve tried, but I’m utterly unable to. Your Lie in April was a punch in my heart from the beginning until the end because of how much I could relate to it on multiple levels. It was one of the first serials that had me sobbing uncontrollably through quite a few episodes. Even though it destroys me every time, I like watching it when I miss my brother the most because I feel like in a way it fulfils that lost connection. If that makes sense.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It makes lots of sense.

      I was aware you had a brother but you only mention him in your anime origin story, so I guess I should’ve put two and two together as to why you don’t discuss him in a context closer to the current day. Thank you for sharing, my condolences and sorry if my discussion of the series caused you any trouble.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh no, no trouble at all. 🙂 Recently, I’ve learned that talking more about him helps me accept his loss and move forward a bit better, but I don’t do it too often. I loved your discussion.

        Liked by 1 person

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